Pirates and eventual taxis in Bangkok
Where the crew explore Bangkok, talk like pirates, discover the meaning of 'Taxi' and get delayed -- again
This is a travel journal of our adventures in South East Asia. Trust a bunch of Newfoundlanders to find trouble no matter where they go! You can read the entries as we climb Mt. Kinabalu and explore some parts of Thailand. A month after we left, this entire region was devastated by the Indian Ocean Tsunami of 2004. We were very lucky to have witnessed life and adventure before that and our hearts go out to everyone in this journal who might have been affected. A gallery of photos from this trip is available on my photos site.
7:45pm November 27, 2004 AirAsia to Phuket
As I write this, we have just left the fabled Asian capital of Bangkok after an almost 24-hour stay. Mike has come up with "Retarded in Asia" as the title for this trip.
He has also suggested that AirAsia change their slogan to "Now everyone can fly… eventually."
Let’s start at the beginning.
When our story ended last time, our intrepid crew had boarded a luxurious—compared to the first trip—AirAsia flight to Bangkok. The writer of this journal even wondered whether the curse of Sabah had been exorcised upon our departure…
Not so.
Just before midnight Bangkok time, we found our group circling ad nauseam around Bangkok, waiting to land. Our captain kept telling us we would land, eventually. At least, we think that’s what he was saying—he was unintelligible for the most part.
Methinks, not a good quality for a pilot.
Luckily for us, Keli hadn’t gone stark raving mad at the airport waiting for us. It was very good to see her, and soon we were off to Khaosan Street—the local trendy foreigner-type spot—to find an inn recommended by someone Andrew met along his journey.
Armed with an address, this would have seemed like a relatively easy task.
Ah, but this is Asia.
Such tasks are based on the simple assumption that professional taxi drivers know the city they are driving in. I’ve now realized that "taxi" in Asia simply means "car with driver." Sometimes, "car with driver" might know where you are going. Other times, they think they know better and refuse to take you there, wanting you to go somewhere else instead. The rest of the time, they are clueless.
This time, we did get to Khaosan. From there, we were on our own.
Backpacks on, we charged into a crowd celebrating the full moon. After several minutes of wandering past riot guards and drunken partygoers, we decided that at 2 a.m., it was preferable to find a place—any place—rather than our specific place.
Oh, how easy this all sounds.
The first four places we tried were all full. Things were looking desperate for our heroes. Luckily, not as desperate as being trapped for all eternity in the Kota Kinabalu Bird Concentration Camp. At least here, we could have spent the night in a 24-hour pub and drunk ourselves silly until morning.
Thankfully, my liver was left at peace.
We did end up finding a place—slightly more expensive, but we weren’t complaining.
Chris and I shared a room while the others shared a triple. This was not luxury accommodation. Thankfully, unlike the triple “suite,” our toilet closet contained toilet paper.
Chris decided to open the Headhunter’s rice wine sherry he had bought in Kota Kinabalu. His intention had been to share some of it with me. I was having none of that.
He promptly threw it out after one sip. That one sip caused him to speak like Jerry Lewis—what an abomination of alcohol!
Emerald Buddhas and Pirates abound
The morning dawned bright and early. After a quick checkout, we went to Khaosan to have breakfast together before splitting up to explore Bangkok.
Mike, Keli, and I went to see the Grand Palace and the Emerald Buddha, while Chris and Andrew went off to do chores.
Unfortunately, Mike, Keli, and I decided to catch a three-wheeled taxi (a "tuk-tuk").
In a scene reminiscent of Kota Kinabalu, we all piled in, asked how much—10 baht—no problem… Now…
“Please take us to the Grand Palace.”
“No.”
“But you said yes earlier...”
“No.”
“Huh?”
“It is closed—won’t open till 1 p.m.—I take you somewhere else.”
“No, we want to go to the Grand Palace!”
“No.”
“Okay, we get out now.”
“Okay, 50 baht.”
Naturally, we got out at that point.
We hailed a metered cab instead. Mike even gave him a tip "for taking us where we wanted to go."
One would have thought that was the entire point of a taxi.
"Taxi" in Asian English means: "vehicular transport which might take you where you want to go, eventually." Also the meaning of "air travel" according to AirAsia.
The Emerald Buddha is amazing. It is Thailand’s holiest site, and it glitters. I can only imagine Prime Minister Jean Chrétien asking Parliament to build something like this in Canada.
Mike turned around and said, "But I bet you Joey would have had no problem!" I can just see the Temple of the Emerald Joey Smallwood.
Next, we returned to Khaosan for some shopping and beer.
Andrew attests that Chris and I got drunk.
I submit, however, that we were merely tipsy—perhaps mildly tipsy, but not drunk.
After all, seasoned drinkers such as we could not possibly be drunk on three beers. That is impossible.
I do admit that we were slightly scaring the surrounding bystanders with our pirate talk.
“Arr, avast me hearties.”
“Arr, you are a bilge rat, sir.”
“This beer tastes like bilge water, and you are a bunghole!”
“Arrr.”
We didn’t help our reputation during our trip to the airport, when we broke into song and then promptly attempted to do a limbo while seated.
Mike, Keli, and Andrew disavowed all knowledge of us.
Arr.
Then began our ordeal.
AirAsia—delayed 100% of the time in Asia. Our flight was pushed back from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m., then finally 7 p.m. Keli, who had not flown AirAsia before, had likely already arrived in Phuket.
We had no place to stay in Phuket.
We were now arriving late.
Oh boy, I can’t wait.
Retarded in Asia, indeed.
Bangkok Domestic Terminal, November 27, 2004
The Air Asia To Phuket Song, composed by Chris Myrick and Mike Mannion. Aiko Japanese Restaurant, Bangkok Domestic Terminal. Sung to the “Banana Boat Song” by Harry Belafonte. We apologise, Harry.
Delay, I say Delay-O
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..
Delay, I say Delay-O
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..Oh, I sleep all night in a Bangkok slum
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..
Want to leave but my flight won’t come
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..Delay, I say Delay-O
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..
Delay, I say Delay-O
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..Come, miss flight attendant, when is the departure?
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..
Come, miss flight attendant, when is the departure?
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..Delay, I say Delay-O
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..
Delay, I say Delay-O
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..It’s a 20-minute, 40-minute, 60-minute wait!
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..
I said a one-hour, two-hour, four-hour wait!
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..Now I’m in a sushi bar eating kappa maki
Airplane come, cause I want to move on..
I may soon pass out from too much Asahi
Airplane come, cause I want to move on...
The above was composed after Chris and Dups tried to convince the premium lounge security guard that we were Leonard DiCaprio's long lost brothers Donatello, Raphael (and Michelangelo who was trying to ignore us).
He refused to let us in.